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Wishau's Wisdom
25 Rules Every Bar Patron Should Remember
- The bartender sees you. There is no need to waive your money in the air like a man in the midst of an epileptic episode.
- Snapping your fingers and pointing at your drink is never an acceptable way to ask for another.
- Eye contact is the best way to get the barkeeps attention.
- If you do not know, nor have any interest in knowing the bartender, do not make eye contact unless you want another drink
- Calling out for service is acceptable if you have been waiting, and don’t think that the bartender sees you.
- If you do number four, and especially if you do number one on this list, know what you are ordering. Don’t say things like … hold on I don’t know what I want, or I don’t know what she wants.
- If there is a line for drinks, get your drink and step away.
- Don’t ask “how’s the beer today?” It was not flown in from the coast that morning. It is exactly the same as it was yesterday, and last week.
- If you ask “do you have …” and end the question with “Miller Lite, Bud Lite, vodka, whiskey, gin etc.” the bartender has the right to ask if you are an idiot.
- Standing in front of the tap line and asking “What’s on tap?” is the same as saying “I’m illiterate”.
- If someone offers to buy you a drink and you are drinking rail whiskey and coke, you are not allowed to order a Crown and coke. Upgrades are not allowed. You may downgrade if you so choose.
- Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: “Great, now I’m going to get drunk.”, “I hate shots.” And “It’s coming back up.”
- If you are going through a period of self loathing, do so quietly and in the corner like normal people. There is no need to ruin everyone else’s night by acting like an idiot. If someone asks you what is wrong you may tell them.
- Never complain about the quality of a free drink.
- If you spill a drink, have the decency of attempting to clean it up.
- If you break a glass, wait for the bartender to clean it up. Then blame it on somebody else.
- If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
- Never rest your head on the bar
- If you look at the bartender and say “I know this is going to be a hassle ….” Don’t order the drink
- If you start with “I’m sorry to do this to you, but can I get a … “ You are not sorry, and everyone knows it.
- If you are going to fight, take it outside. It won’t be as embarrassing when you lose.
- Better yet, if you are going to fight, take the time to write yourself a note with the date, the name of the guy you want to fight, and the reason. When you wake up in the morning you will usually find that the reason that you were up in arms the night before was not that important. If it was, well you know where to find the guy and now you’re sober and in your top fighting shape.
- If the bathroom that you are puking in looks suspiciously like a coat room, kitchen, storeroom, or beer cooler, it might be a good idea not to puke there.
- If you puke and it is after midnight, it’s a good time to call it a night.
- If you think the bartender is cute and she is smiling at you, always remember … they work on tips.
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